I Believe I can fly, Not too sure if I want to anymore.....

Well those of you who remember me will I am sure be very pleased to note that I am still very alive and kicking, no one in particular but as strong as I can nonetheless. Should you find yourself in a not too elevated state of pleasure then it's still alright, for someone who hates me you do seem to take a lot of note on my state of aliveness or deadness as the case might be.

I'm again amidst you, to rant and ramble as I please about the aviation industry this time. I did the BFSI industry some time ago, if I remember right that was right round the recession, so here I go kicking the aviation industry in the nuts right when it's taken the beating of it's life (or so it would seem). Let me however start by trying in short to describe to you the sheer pleasure of flying (cunning eh! wink wink). I remember it clearly, it was around 8 years ago when I first boarded a plane, air india flight DC 1756 from Bangalore to Mumbai at 10.30 in the night on the 26th of December 2004. In case you're my fiance wondering how I'm incapable of remembering dates of significant milestones in our relationships but am able to remember these dates clearly don't worry these're made up. (for safety purposes)

So the flight I'm supposed to board gets cancelled because there's some flood somewhere or some such shit so they make us wait for another hour and finally put us in a jet something or another flight at 11.30 that night. Now even though it's a long long day and you're really tired, and you've spent hours standing in a que for the stupid check in and security,  the first time you're going in a plane is really really special for any boy who's ever bothered turning his forehead about 60-70 degrees upwards (along with the rest of his head of course) when he hears the gentle rumble from the heavenly abodes that we today in an utterly nonplussed manner associate with a plane flying overhead. So there I was, late in the evening, standing on tip toes awaiting the first glimpse of the glorious beauty that's going to whisk me away into the skies (no that statement's not gay, i've read it thrice, so don't think it is you homo). Imagine my emotional turmoil when I see some sad dilapidated old piece of junk that's leaking liquid around the engines; not to mention the uneasy feeling that you get in your gut wondering if the leak was normal followed by internal reassurances of they would definitely take care of all necessary safety procedures, followed again by - but would they really?? I wonder??

I however convinced myself that everything is fine in the end by deciding that the other 60-80 keen sighted high IQ individuals climbing into the cylindrical piece of metal would have noticed and raised appropriate alarms if something was amiss. So I get into the actual aircraft wondering shouldn't a plane be a little more solid then this? isn't this shaky?? and seat myself in my teeny-tiny not so comfortable chair (larger you are teenier your chair is - actual airline policy to endorse the biggest loser Asia tm) buckling myself into place wondering if the seat belt in my car might not have actually been a better idea should I find the plane being thrown about in the air. I am pleased to inform you that I very soon come out of that senseless fear when I realized that should the aircraft fall out of place or have it's tail on fire the seat-belt is going to be about as effective as those campaigns telling people not to buy petrol on 23rd july for example. Of course lucky as yours truly is the teeny tiny seat that bravely took the task of encasing my rear end was right along the wing. Unfortunately that wasn't exactly a heart warming sight when I noticed how flimsy the wings seemed to be, it led me to wonder if those toy planes I made in school sticking a scale in the cap of a pen might actually be close enough to the real thing for me to consider a career in aeronautical engineering.

Putting all of that out of my mind (which took all the immense mind power that I posses) I decided to look on the bright side - air hostesses. Now much like the plane the concept of an air-hostess is one of immense personal adoration to any guy in his teens, when a guy hears the concept of an air-hostess for the first time it's like - what?? they're hired coz they're the sexiest girls around?? and they smile at you?? and give you food and drinks for freeee????? that can't be true!!!
That's like Mahatma Gandhi giving away bottles of Jim Beam to everybody who comes to Gujrat. The whole experience of the air-hostess though while not as far away from expectations so far was a little over hyped. More like Ambedkar giving me wine. My experience with air-hostesses is very aptly summed up by the cheer-leader effect (go watch how I met your mother for more info on this, it's not too great but why should I be the only one to've suffered through it) they look good in a group from afar but the closer they get the scarier the absolute lack of human features and intense make up gets. Of course that's not always the case, you do have the odd zinger but I'd sooner bet on KFC. And WTF is up with some airlines hiring dudes to serve you in-flight, like the shape of the aircraft wasn't enough testament to the male dominance.

Then starts the song and dance routine of the air-hostesses which I won't comment upon as there're way too many comedians who do the routine. Followed by please switch off your electronic equipment so that it doesn't interfere with our navigation. The crux of the whole experience however is in the 2 mins that follow the whole charade. The take off. Sheer power building up under you accelerating fast as you could imagine and within seconds faster then you could. Raging energy through you all the while until you feel the swoop of the wheels leaving the ground and the acceleration increasing as you go upwards on and on into the clouds. An experience that can truly never be captured by words, but I find that every time I take off, the song aces high by iron maiden makes the experience complete -

"There goes the siren that warns of the air raid,
Then comes the sound of the guns sending flak.
Out for the scramble we've got to get airborne,
Got to get up for the coming attack.

Jump in the cockpit and start up the engines,
Remove all the wheelblocks there's no time to waste.
Gathering speed as we head down the runway,
Got to get airborne before it's too late.

Running, scrambling, fire,
Rolling, turning, diving, going in again.
Running, scrambling, fire, Rolling, turning, diving,
Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die.
Won't you run, live to fly, fly to live, Aces high!"

Now I know that the domestic airlines don't fly fighters as in the song, and it certainly isn't fighting against the luftwaffe, but this is by far the best experience one can have while taking off.

Nothing quite like it, but in retrospect, I would've imagined that 8 years hence things would be better, for starters I would expect that the planes at least be faster and more comfortable. But no, we seem to be using the same aircrafts as 8 years ago. Oh sure there're new ones, but they're exactly the same!!
Nevermind the aircrafts, very costly to design and build i'd imagine, I would at least expect the time taken for check in and security can be reduced, but no, absolutely no changes there. Is the experience inside the flights any different?? Oh yes, here there're differences, the air-hostesses're uglier then ever, sound like recordings (bad ones) and there's no more free food, to say nothing of the in-flight entertainment!

The thing that ticks me off most here is why even after 8 years (since i've seen, i'm sure it's actually more) do they still ask you to switch off your electronic devices for take off?? isn't 8 years long enough for the freaking aviation industry to figure out how to get it's equipment to work without being interfered by my ipod?? I mean we've had commercial avaiation since 1914, there has been constant improvements to the planes since, are you seriously telling me that even today a plane can't take off if I don't switch off my ipod???

The Drive

Well I dunno if my readers are aware but I’m something of a Roadwarrior. Yes Yes I see your raised eyebrows n all that over the fancy title but I daresay it’s kinda true. I drive around 70kms each day, more when I have meetings which are 2 to 3 times a week at least. So let’s do the math here – 365 days – 88 days for the Sundays and 3 Saturdays in a month that I have a leave = 277 – 15 for holidays (those given by the company plus those taken by me) = 262*2 for 2 years = 524*70 = 36680kms. A large number if I say so myself. I’m guessing I’d in all eventualities be well over 40000kms if I add the travel for meetings over two years, but nevermind that for now. There’s a lot of wisdom I’ve acquired over these kilometers and here I am very selflessly sharing the same with you. –


Trucks –

I’m sure all of you at some point or other would’ve found yourself staring at the big ugly rear end of a slow moving truck. And if lady luck is in half a playful mood with you as she generally is with me that would probably be a truck full of mud with the fine sand blowing smoothly onto your face; if that hasn’t happened to you then at least you would’ve been victim to the wet sticky projectile mud spray from the wheels of the truck onto your shirt on a rainy morning; No!? Then you must at least have been caught in the midst of traffic surrounded on 3 sides by cars with their windows shut to keep the AC on and on the fourth by that pleasant fragrant garbage truck. If none of the above has happened to you then please don’t point it out to me you lucky bastards.

Now I guess there’s a point to these trucks after all. I mean people somewhere need that mud to be transported and sure garbage disposal is an important thing so there’s really no point complaining. There however is one really irritating thing about these trucks. Imagine yourself driving at a brisk pace, overtaking vehicles when you can, and you find yourself as I pointed out facing the big ugly rear end of a slow moving truck. So you do the right thing and attempt to overtake the ungainly thing from the right; alas just as you rev your bike and loosen the throttle you see a dirty hand stick out of the front and wave vigorously as if it were the disproportionate wing of a huge bird trying to take off. You then recognize your folly of misconstruing a simple signal indicating the truck intends to move towards the right, so you then fall back and come back upto speed on the left of the truck only to see the same dirty hand with the same dirty movements on the left side as well.

This time you’re really confused as you fall back, you’re not sure if the truck is going to split down the middle with the two sides going their separate ways (which I hope to see someday soon) or whether they’ve got the very stretchy Mr. Fantastic from the fantastic four with some weird infection on his hands which cased his hands to darken and look really dirty and he’s waving them desperately for help.

Determined not to let your superheroes down you risk your life and possibly the chance to see a truck split down the middle and pick a side and accelerate down some side to see that it’s actually two different individuals dancing and waving to the same Daler Mehndi tune – “dardi rub rub” (thus explaining the similar hand movements). Grumbling to yourself about the complete lack of road sense these truck drivers have and the negative influences the whole indi-pop scene has caused you drive on wondering if you’ll ever get a chance to see a truck split down the middle or to help Mr. Fantastic.

Now I know the whole thing was a little lame, I also know driving a truck is not easy, but it’d be nice if the truck drivers could start using indicators other then dance moves and preferably on only one side of the truck please. I won’t express any more annoyance here because i’m saving it up for the –

Buses –

Yes well before I get to bitching about them I must say that Bangalore has one of the best public transportation systems around, I mean the Volvos are really awesome to be travelling in, nice and comfy on the inside.

Now anybody who drives in India would say that the biggest menace on the road is the auto, but I beg you to now reconsider, especially after the introduction of the Volvos. I mean these busses might be nice and comfortable on the inside, but if you’re a guy driving a simple victor like I do on the roads and one of these monsters happen to swish by then you’d do well to move your bike to the corner of the road beforehand. My drive to office generally consists very largely of me looking in the mirror to see if any pre-emptive Volvo avoidance techniques would have to be instantly used.

I mean the govt. did a good job by bringing in a very nice mode of transport, but where they really screwed up is by giving the same ol’ irresponsible drivers much more powerful toys to break the rules and have fun driving crazy on the roads. It’s seriously crazy. And a very astute observation I made not very long ago is that the drivers of the non-volvos today seem to’ve developed a complex and deal with it by being even rasher then usual. In short the buses, the Volvos in particular today are like that really scary roller coaster, you would love to ride in them but wouldn’t want to stand too close to them for fear of being sprayed by someone on the ride. The one thing worse then busses on the roads probably are –

Autos –

Aah what gaali can I give these rascals that hasn’t been given before. Which one of you hasn’t hated these three wheeled menaces on the road that turn at will irrespective of who’s behind or in them? These lane cutting, paan spitting, slow moving but fast turning, loud noise making, rule breaking heaps of junk metal held together by cellophane tape. I’m not sure if people hate these things more while they’re driving and have to avoid them or when they have to travel in them and pay exorbitant prices for a slow uncomfortable noisy drive. But I’ve got to say the teamwork between auto drivers is remarkable; be it while extorting your life savings out of you or while one auto fails and you see another auto pushing this one using his leg.

I’m not going to say much about the taxi drivers here as they’re really just a slightly more sophisticated (read much much more expensive), less noisy, faster variant of the same with the same ol’ disregard for the rules and general road safety. The only thing on the road worse then autos are –

Cows –

I realize that these don’t exactly count as vehicles, unless of course you’re unlucky enough to come across a bullock cart or something, and I’m trying not to discuss that now in the 21^st century. But I included these bovine creatures in this partially because I very often run into them (well not literally, not if I can avoid it anyway) and partially because they emit a lot of greenhouse gasses. Now I wouldn’t claim to be someone who really gives more then a perfunctory raised eyebrow to cows their flatulence, I mean who’re we to judge we probably fart more then our good share of greenhouse gasses, but I really sometimes find the presence of cows on the road quite annoying.

I mean they just come there in front of you out of nowhere and look at you with those huge innocent eyes, like you’re doing something really wrong. And if you’re anything like me then guilt immediately creeps in even if you’ve really done nothing. It’s like they come onto my way and ask why’re you on my way? What did I do to you? Why do you drink my milk? Aargh damn that innocent look. And you’re generally like – no it wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything, I’m just getting late to office, I didn’t drink milk, they made me do it goddamn it!!

What annoys me even more is that when you slow down, get to the side and go by them there’s always that tail that comes out swinging at you. Without fail there’s the tail.

I mean what’s the point? Is that tail supposed to get me? Is it supposed to scare me?? Is it supposed to do anything more then spread their dung around? Is it like they just release some greenhouse gasses directed toward you?? Can they even do that? No really what’s with the tail I gotta know.

Ok before I get too annoyed and start complaining about their dung all over the place, lets move on to something worse –

Dogs –

Ah well these aren’t exactly worse, I mean they used to be the worst thing on the roads, coming in between all the bloody time, every bloody where; but mans best friend has learnt mans ways well. Today we very often see dogs on the road, but they generally are the most responsive to horns. So if you’re vehicle has a functional horn then you have no problems with dogs, a big bow-wow to that. I really never knew why dogs wanted to cross roads but lets not go there now. Lets just be happy that dogs respond to horns, well at least the respond to horns better then –

Men –

Ah yes, mans biggest problem is man himself. I always find it quite remarkable that a dog knows what the sound of a horn means but most men don’t. You’ll see loads of people trying randomly to cross roads without bothering about anything else. They’re like hey this feels like a nice bit of tarred high speed road to walk across, let’s do it and they grab the moment with a single minded eye only on the goal approach while the rest of us try desperately to grab the brake. Oh and do despair because this isn’t the worst approach, there’s the invincible hand of Moses approach where they’re convinced that once they stick their hand out nothing can happen to them and they can walk across the road with the same confidence that Moses and his folks walked across the red sea years and years ago, there must be a lot of Jewish people in india.

Then there’s the Uslain bolt approach wherein they just pick their lungi up and let their body be taken over by the spirit of Hussain Bolts, in this state of possession they just sprint across the road confident that they will not occupy any place for more then the briefest of microseconds and thus will reach the other end safe, in women this phenomenon is called the PT Usha phenomenon.

Oh how can I forget the left is right approach, this really is a brilliant philosophy. People just look at the other direction i.e. towards the left, see no traffic and presume that there won’t be any traffic on the right either as left is right and just walk across. Simply awesome.

There’s also the this conversation is everything, there can’t be anything behind this bus and just jump off this moving bus, there won’t be a bike coming here, look at that huge poster of some skimpily dressed woman and walk towards it approaches among others.

As a man I realize that these above few points talk very ill of mankind and our inability to learn things as simple as road sense and self preservation, but at the end of the day I find more security in the fact that the one thing worse then men are -

Women –

I mean seriously ladies what is the matter? We understand that you’re all good looking, we understand that you’re not blessed with the same sort of easy balance as we men are, we know that your world has a lot more important things like make up, cute shaped cloud, color of your shoes, but we beg of you to not bring it onto the road. We understand that you’re not good at crossing, that you in an attempt to avoid a cycle might well end up in front of a bus, but for heavens sake don just freeze in the middle of the road and create confusions as you often do. It’s simple when you’re trying to cross the road –

Look right, then look left, then look right again then if there’s no traffic cross the road, walk fast don’t run.

And never cross a road alone if you forget the above, cross only when there’s a small group crossing a single woman crossing the road can be quite a problem ;)

And if you’re driving then I have no advice for you, only prayers for the others.

Ya that might be sexist but it’s a fact, moving on, the above points and more might’ve given you all a very distinct impression that yours truly hates driving and wants no more of it, and you’d all be very right. In a short span of two years I’ve decided that driving isn’t going to help me much and I’ve come to detest it. However only the last week, I was on my way from whitefield to electronic city in the morning and decided to take a road that I hadn’t seen before. In case you guys want to ever try it it’s the road that goes straight when the road from forum value mall to marathahalli curves to the right.

The road ended up leading me to a place well beyond electronic city, damn near the Karnataka border, in a couple of mins I would’ve reached tamil nadu if I had gone on; but what a road!! It was an awesome drive, I must’ve gone on for like 50kms or so without even realizing it. Beautiful weather, great music (turn the page – Metallica), great road aah it was simply amazing on the road again. The gentle high speed curves on the road mixed with just the right amount of traffic to overtake and feel like you’re flying are something I’m not going to forget in a hurry. Needless to say I went late to the meeting but I really didn’t care about it, in fact for the first time I was actually disappointed that the ride was over.

This brings me to a very interesting observation. I’ve ridden my bike for nearly 4-5 years now, it’s a low power, not too interesting, not too high mileage either simple victor which has gone for some multiple tens of thousands of kilometers and as I clearly illustrated in the beginning has borne me for around 36680kms in the last 2 years alone. Laying my backside on it anymore seems really tedious, but in the last year or 2 I’ve had at least 3 articles on my blog where I’ve enjoyed the ride, maybe it’s not soo bad, maybe I do enjoy riding but it’s just the traffic that’s making it seem a herculean effort, maybe I do enjoy driving, maybe I’m a Roadwarrior afterall!!

An Amazing follow up to the best ride of my life so far…

Disclaimer :- Do not attempt the below unless you are a trained professional. Rash driving could be quite bad for health, horrible for the kidneys you know.

I’m sure you guys all read my previous post about the best ride of my life so far. I thought that it was really rare for something like that to happen, especially with a frame like that. That however still happens once in a way, but what doesn’t happen so often is what happened to me this morning.

So I was driving back from a friends place where I spent the night after a drunken binge. I dunno if you guys’ve ever driven back home in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, it’s not a good morning, There’s a lot of hung over sleep around. The hunger doesn’t help either. There was however one thing that made an essentially crappy morning good – a nice cute calf with pink nike floaters extended of course by a nice frame wearing a black coat, black helmet and sitting on a grey activa. Does any of this ring a bell??

I gotta say I was really excited. I din know if it was the same bird I was after last time, but it looked like it. The same sort of figure, the same kinda bike, the same aggression in revving while stationary at the signal, the same cute ankle, the same clean smooth calf; it had to be the same one. I gave her a high rev from my bike and got one in return, I couldn’t say if she was adjusting her mirror to get a look at me, I couldn’t even say if she knew I was behind her ready to rumble, but I just knew it had to be. I don ‘t even know if it was destiny or luck or what, but it was. I wasn’t sure if my phone would grace me with the grand conjuration this time, so I decided to search for it on my own and eventually ended up with deliverance.

The signal changed, it was on. If I had any doubts as to whether she was the same bird, it vanished the moment she started driving. I mean she was feisty, even if it wasn’t the same one I wouldn’t mind this one so much. It was amazing, just like last time the two of us racing hard, changing lead every few seconds. This time I was going to follow her all the way to her house. I had no clue what I was going to do after that though but I was determined to at least find out who the hell this was.


We were overtaking everything on the road. I clearly remember this one particular Volvo in front, she was heading to the left and me to the right. It was fun I was looking forward to overtake the Volvo and come out head to head with her in the front. Now I’m not sure if you guys have a clear comparison of the power ratio of a victor and a fricking TVS victor. However my dear bike, not wanting to disappoint me managed to pull the necessary muscle through and got me to the other side. Alas, she wasn’t there. At first I thought her little activa couldn’t keep up with the mighty Volvo and victor, so I slowed down and let the bus overtake me, no activa there either. So I overtook the bus again searching desperately for that activa, but no activa to be seen. It was like she was never there, like a mirage, a hallucination. I mean I din drink that much, but now I was really wondering if I did.

Where did she go?? Was she a figment of my imagination??

I’m like 80% sure that she must’ve taken a left somewhere while I was busy trying to overtake the big bad Volvo, but this sucks. I’ve never really wanted to meet somebody, but I wanna meet her. I dunno if it is the driving or the riding that I’m interested in, but I’m interested. So if the description matches you or anyone you know then please let me know.

wtF

wtF

So there’s this thing called Aardvark, it’s a nice concept. It’s a networking tool like no other. You are connected to virtually everybody on the net through this (of course everybody who has in some way registered for this service). The idea is that everybody signs up, adds aardvark to either their gtalk list or on twitter or what not, and then classifies what they know about and what they are good at. Whenever any member has any query in any category, they just post a question and everybody who knows stuff in that category, gets asked that. So this way, anybody in the world, irrespective of whether he knows you or not, can help you with the answer if he/she knows it. For example if somebody wanted to know which is the best F1 team and asked that question, people like me who know about F1, would get the question and would rightly say that it is McLaren Mercedes and there would be peace in the world again. I’d recommend you give it a whirl sometime. I meant Aardvark, well a whirl in the McLaren Mercedes wouldn’t be too bad either.

I use this on gtalk, and one of the topics that I get questions on sometimes is “technology”. A couple of days ago, I got this -

(Aardvark) Help someone with a question about *Technology*
|
aardvark@vark.com Hi Abhinav, Cameron F./19/Indiana,US just asked a question I think you migh...
Oct 20 (3 days ago)
Hi Abhinav,

Cameron F/19/Indiana,US just asked a question I think you might be able to answer,

"Can you sniff for packets using a wireless bridge? (DD-WRTv24)"

To answer, just reply to this message, and I'll forward your email along to Cameron.

Or, if you know someone who might be able to answer, send them this referral

If I don't hear from you soon, I'll ask someone else -- but you can answer anytime.

- Aardvark


I was intrigued by this question, and having some small amount of knowledge in this field, I decided to help 19 yr ol Cameron F from Indiana USA.
I’m sure my intelligent readers can figure out which part of the sentence was the determining factor. So I replied –

Reply

Any device in the network can sniff packets using a sniffer. I am not sure exactly what you want to do here, but my understanding is that you want to sniff packets using a wireless medium. As far as my understanding goes it doesn't matter which port of your machine you use to capture the packets for the sniffer, it will work. Do revert to me if your objectives are not as understood by me, i'll see if I can help you further.

I was really interested in helping dear Cameron who by now had managed to conjure a number of images in my head; I wonder why she never liked to wear a lot of clothes.

Soon enough, I got -

Cameron says:

"I'm looking for wireless passwords with my router, then I'll use aircrack to crack the passwords. But I just don't know how to "sniff" for the packets"

To respond, just reply to this message, and I'll forward your email along to Cameron.

- Aardvark


Well now I don’t know what makes it for the rest of you, I mean I don’t know what you guys (n girls as well) get your kicks out of, but a bad girl is all daddy needs. Imagine a 19 yr ol (barely legal) female asking you to help her crack passwords. That’s like the dream of every electronics engineer. Sure my dreams don’t stop there, but let’s ignore that bit. Imagine somebody like Sienna Miller (as in the baroness in the GIJOE movie) coming with a gun in one hand and a laptop in another, and saying in a husky voice -

"I'm looking for wireless passwords with my router, then I'll use aircrack to crack the passwords. But I just don't know how to "sniff" for the packets"

“Sniff the packets for me now or I’ll blow you duodenum into 65536 pieces”.

Oh just imagining it would give any techie a semi. Yes that’s how disgusting we are. Now I don’t want you guys to think of me as a despo or something. In fact I’m probably the most decent guy you could meet (in this respect), no kidding!! (probably for the first time in this blog). However as I said, the whole prospect of a young little password cracking nymph (hopefully) in tight leather was a little too much for me. So I poked around a bit, and it turned out that Cameron had registered onto aardvark via facebook, and had allowed users access to the facebook page. Check it out.

Yes!! Yes!!, you guys can laugh all you want, but you must admit that it was rather cruel of the universe to conspire in this manner against me. All of a sudden I don’t like this Cameron much either. Come to think of it she was probably why I jumped to conclusions.


Moral of the story – you did not really expect morals from me did you???

Dance Dance Revolution

DDR

Okay, before I forget, I think its best to give the credit due to the others who’ve had a major part to play in this one of a kind revolution. Yes unselfish as I am, I think it’s best to point out that there were two co-conspirators with me in the monumental movement that will needless to say sweep the nation maybe even the globe. Further I suspect when man perfects the warp drive and makes contact with the myriad of intelligent species that thrive in the many realms of the universe, the said revolution will conquer the new worlds seamlessly.
Ah there I go shooting off on a tangent right into space; I hope you understand I did not want to make the mistake of underemphasizing the importance of such a revolution. So before I get lost into the abyss of space again, I would give 50% credit to Bharat Choragudi. The remaining credit is shared between me, Vodka and tequila in ratios that I’m unable to discern with certainty.

Those of you that are familiar with the works of one Mr. R. Peters would by now having seen the title jump to the conclusion that the chinks’ve finally run amok with their obsessions and have now converted me into one of them. Don’t worry; yours truly does not have yellow fever.

I was recently on a very serious super official business meet. And if any of you have ever been on one of these, then you know that there generally is that pain in the ass dance party to be put up with; and unless you have the faithful companionship of Messrs Vodka and tequila you know that you don’t know what the hell you’re supposed to be doing there in the middle of people busy in the search of their marbles [ladies you’re exempt from this bit (not just because of the marbles metaphor)]. So what do you do in such situations? How do you come out of it looking respectable without being aloof and distant from the dance floor?

Well that’s what Bharat, Vodka, Tequila and I have solved. By translating a bunch of complex moves to easy actions followed by most in a normal workaday life, we can help you get on that dance floor and dazzle one and all. Well at least you won’t look like a complete clot. This really is a revolution I tell you, proof of this is the fact that Bharat and me ended up spending the whole evening not just dancing with girls (pretty to a degree), but even teaching them how to dance. Now all of my 2.5 avid readers know that on the dance floor I’m probably the most ungainly thing (except of course the fat, 40+, drunk lady); and in an exceptionally charitable mood I must say that Bharat would qualify just short of an eyesore. I realize as I write this that it probably isn’t the most positive way to qualify the founders of the DDR, so I’m going to rephrase that –

I am the second best of the ungainly things on an average dance floor (beaten by a whisker by the old, fat, drunk lady)

Bharat is the best thing on a dance floor that’s not an eyesore.

P.S. – charity is a good institution to be a part of, you apparently get tax relief

So as I was saying, there’s finally a way to score (or at least not humiliate yourself) on the dance floor, and we’re bringing it to you soon. As of now the members who are the brainchild of this revolution are working on getting some supermodels to take part in our video tutorials which would help you learn easily. So if you’re a supermodel and are reading this, what are you waiting for, send me a few of your profile pics and your phone number (on a more charitable note – get a life); this is your one chance to be part of something much larger then you could ever imagine. Please give us some time to get back to you as it takes us some time to sort through the mountains of applicants.

We’ve already received a couple of offers from people who wish to take a large chunk of credit for promoting the obviously self-sustaining revolution. We are yet to decide on whether we should hire them when we already have ‘we’ll work for no cost’ Samaritans.

As for the rest of you who would have to wait for the video tutorials to come out and take the globe over, I’ll leave you with a few suggestions of what do to if you find yourself on a dance floor without the slightest of where you’re supposed to look for your marbles –

1) Truck driver – this is one of the classics. Pretend to be a truck driver steering his huge steering. If you do it right, this is generally a safe move to stick to.

2) Chakki Piecing – a move immortalized by veeru in the movie sholay. Again this is a safe move that anybody with a little practice can pull off on a dance floor without looking like a klutz

3) Gooaalllll – pretend to be one of those footballers who has just scored a goal and is doing one of those celebrations where he pretends he’s flying. (actually you could just pretend to be a plane that’s flying). This move if done slow enough works well when typical Punjabi songs are playing. Actually if you pay attention to the antics displayed by footballers after having scored, you could easily load up your Arsenal with more moves.

4) Point to the stars – again one of the classic I’m a paralytic guy who cant dance moves. It’s the predecessor to the 5) fly the kite move.

There are like a gazillion more moves like that, I’m just a little too lazy to type all right now, I’ll furbish you with more moves from time to time. The video tutorials however might come on a insignificant monetary investment I’m afraid, depends on how hot our supermodel is.

THE BEST DRIVE OF MY LIFE (so far)

Disclaimer :- Do not attempt the below unless you are a trained professional. Rash driving could be quite bad for health, horrible for the kidneys you know.

So here we are once again, reading, writing and comprehending unusual things. It’s like a whole English exam. Of course we aren’t really reading Shakespeare, or writing bestsellers, or as it usually is with my blog comprehending much either. Which I just realized lends more credibility to the English exam simile. Don’t fret, I’m not here to give a discourse on English exams, to be frank I don’t think much or get much in exams and so will probably never give a discourse on them. I’m here tonight with the intention of penning down (or at least typing down) an experience I only just had like 45 minutes or so ago. This is how the events unfolded on this pleasant evening –

It was one of those cool evenings where you find yourself driving along (not too fast) just enjoying the atmosphere. It was one of those rare evenings when the traffic is just the right amount; not too much to piss you off, nor too less to take away the nice feeling of overtaking others; just the right amount. It was one of those rarer still evenings when my new Nokia 5800 express music threw at me a great playlist. Pink Floyd, Porcupine Tree, Credence Clearwater Rainworth, etc. etc. you get the picture. It was one of those evenings when I was cherishing my moments driving outside, and if you’re someone who drives 35kms to work and 35kms back each day for more then a year then you know that this is probably the rarest thing to happen among the said rare occurrences

I did not devote at first more then a cursory glance at the grey activa that came swerving by and cut across in front of me. I wasn’t in the disposition to bother about things as asinine as others overtaking me; I had just arrived somewhere but not here. I pulled up right behind the activa at the nearest signal; it was only then that I noticed the clean smooth calf and the little feminine pink floaters (nike) on the pretty frame of the person swerving said activa around. Granted that I could only see the back, and even that covered by a black coat and helmet, but there was something about the outline that captivated the eye. She could’ve probably had the face of chewbacca for all I knew, but to a mind doused in Floydian sentiments, buffered by porcupine tree, visions of Scarlett Johannsen and Jessica Alba presented themselves readily. Now I don’t write to tell you about every pretty girl I come across, if I did I would probably write more then I currently do, however what made me want to come and narrate in some words what happened was what happened when the signal turned green.

I mentioned my new Nokia 5800 earlier in my tale, I told you how it was a rare occurrence that it gave me a good playlist, now I wish to clear up a thing or two here. I’ve had the blessed device for a little over a week now, good music, good display, good browser, good phone all in all I should say, but there’s something about a phone which manages to make you want to change the song that’s playing every so often despite the fact that the playlist on shuffle consists of songs that you basically like. I can’t put my finger on what it is, I suspect it’s just me being choosy about what I want to hear when, but there it is. However on this particular occasion, my dear phone had my best interests at heart, I still can’t put my finger on what it is, but I’m going to go with my phone has a character of own, doesn’t always do its job like a machine, but when it matters goes all out to do what is necessary. I think I ought to name him/her sometime, and decide what gender it should be too.

So, as soon as the signal changed to green and the cute bird took off, and I mean with speeds you don’t associate birds with. I mean one second you’re staring at a cute ankle, and the next it’s just dust. This is when my phone decided to go all out for me, it made the grand conjuration. The chase had begun. I must say at the outset that considering she was on a activa and I on a victor, the ensuing hunt wasn’t exactly the most high caliber pursuit that you might’ve seen, but it was the most invigorating drive I’ve been in.

Over the next 15 minutes or so we kept trading the lead, I must say that for a pretty frame, she yields a pretty nasty ride (no pun intended). She was a lot more aggressive then I expected, and I in turn displayed more aggression then I expected to. We both were quite conscious of each deliberately trying to overtake the other, zipping in and out of traffic, making quick, bold, intelligent moves. For most part the others on the road were just like stationary obstacles we drove around in hot pursuit of each other. It was the most exhilarating drive I’ve had in my life yet, and in my short life so far I’ve driven a lot more then I wanted to. Needless to say that when at the end of it all I saw her indicating to the right (off the main road) I was well past the point I had to turn to go home. Now it’s not like I’m in love or anything, but the pinnacle of the evening was the one glance that she gave me just before turning off. I dunno if I’ve got words for it, I don’t even know if it was an acknowledgement of having won, or a disgusted scowl or, wanton lustful sighs (personally I’m rooting for the third), but her eyes are not something I’m not going to forget in a hurry.

I’ve heard a couple of friends tell me of such happenings to them, and I’ve always thought about how it might be. You see until recently I was among those who believe women can’t or shouldn’t be allowed to drive. I still do at large maintain that the fairer sex shouldn’t be given the keys lightheartedly; it could be quite perilous to the other drivers and pedestrians on the road, not to mention the local flora and fauna. However after what I just had, I have come to a quite paradoxical conclusion – If at all I want other people driving fast on the road, I want it to be people like that.

P.S. – I realize as I go through what I’ve written that I’ve probably not made it exciting enough, not conveyed in entirety what and how exactly it was, however I’d just let you judge how deeply this impacted me by the fact that within an hour of this happening, I felt the need put it in black and white, and you guys know how often I blog.

P.P.S – In case any of you are wondering about how rash driving could be bad for the kidneys, a friend of mine met with an accident and had some problems due to the injury to his kidneys. And yes it’s rash driving that’s really dangerous, not fast driving in particular.

Oink Oink

Well there’s no need I guess to introduce the next thing that I’m writing about. It seems that it would take no less then a pandemic (almost) that has gripped the entire planet (almost) in delirium (almost) to goad me into writing again. One might even go so far as to say that the sole purpose of this conspiracy the universe resulting in the bereavement of many and the further threat to the life of many more might only be to get me to write more (what! One might say that, not likely I know, but still). Well if that’s what the universe conspired to do then I must say the universe is a brilliant master mind it knows exactly what to do to get the writer in me going; if however that is not the sole purpose of the universe, then we’re screwed. I can see no other benevolent cause that the universe could possibly have to have done this to our race, and if you can then statistics suggest that you’re probably wrong.

Lets move away from that cheery thought for a bit, and focus our genetically superior minds (superior to pigs and chicken I mean) to a question that has troubled me a lot more then questions usually tend to. I mean there’s only that much a question can trouble me before I get the answer to it. In the off hand chance that I don’t figure out an answer to it, I just get bored with it. In this case however the troubling fact is a probable answer. There’s no getting away from a disturbing answer. So as crankenstien once before asked me on some totally unrelated occasion “what’s taking the trouble to trouble someone as troublesome as you?”

Well it’s the same thing that troubled me when there was a bird flu scare or an anthrax scare. How the f*#$ do these animal diseases come to humans (the really troubling bit is the probable answer in the question).

I’d like to think that all the 2.5 of my readers have figured out what my worries are. Or well I at least hope 5 guys read this and figure out about 50% of what I’m talking about, it’s the same thing really.

Now you guys know that I generally explain myself quite clearly without talking about things that have no relevance. But this time I’m going to let you intelligent guys figure it out. I leave you guys with a link –


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090428055623AAUOba3

Now I know the second comment comes from somebody who calls himself themonsters, but I think that’s quite an ironic name for a total nerd. Besides he doesn’t really have any proof or convincing arguments to convince me that my fears are misplaced.

Ya Ya I know I’m sick, don’t blame me, I have swine flu, and I’m delirious, I haven’t quite gotten over having aids as yet.

P.S. – Having swine flu doesn’t mean I’m a pig or go anywhere near pigs, and you’re not particularly intelligent to leave a comment suggesting something to that tune